I have had a number of spanking partners--most of them lovers who indulged in spanking with me, in some form or other. Some liked playful, sexy swatting, others took actual spankings, sometimes with implements. However, there is one experience I absolutely crave, but have never had: I desire to give a real spanking. I wish to give a girl a real punishment, for a real offense or behavior. This is contradicted somewhat by my inherent desire NOT to cause people pain (a slight paradox of my nature), but I do believe in "spanking with love". I wish to give a girl a real spanking experience: let her feel the awkward, exhilarating dread of the impending punishment; make her choose to submit to me with commands to prepare herself (i.e. lifting skirt, placing herself across my lap, admit she needs a spanking, et al..); deliver a sincere punishment, completely out of her control, yet in a situation where she feels safe; make her absorb the spanking (i.e. cornertime, standing or sitting; allowing crying to abate); and finally, lavish her with forgiveness, comfort, and love.
Simultaneously, it has only been in recent years that I've realized I'm truly a "Switch". While I intensely long to have an errant girl across my lap, bottom bared and shifting shades of red, I also have a compulsion to be taken across a woman's lap, for the same treatment. I have been across the knee of several of my lovers, but, as I wish to deliver, I long for a real spanking. I long to relinquish control to a feminine disciplinarian. I have trouble letting go of control in many areas, which is perhaps why the idea appeals to me so much. I fantasize of being suddenly, unexpectedly led to a chair, where a woman seats herself, then takes me over her knee. Although I normally have a high tolerance for pain, apparently my bottom does not; I imagine receiving a real spanking—most often imagining hand or hairbrush, but sometimes other implements—without regard to what I “think I can take”, until I, and my chastiser, feel I’m well and truly punished. I can't imagine releasing control enough to be brought to tears, but I think I would like that to be the case. That would definitely require a great degree of authenticity in the punishment.
Lately, I don't know which scenario I want more. In the past I've always had a tendency to naturally dominate--most of the girls who've been attracted to me were at least somewhat, if not very, subservient. I've always had the fantasy of being dominated--made to perform sexual acts for the pleasure of my lover--but it's never been so prevalent, and I know it isn't a full lifestyle I'd be happy with. I am very much a Libra, needing balance and justice...and change.
For now, both my palm and my bottom remain their natural shade and integrity. They both itch to be red and sore, for the right reasons.......